Friends? Nah

[Slaughterhouserock]

You probably shouldn't read this.

I am nauseous. I am physically in pain. I am just not cut out for this shit. Other people will always bring nothing but suffering. How anyone manages to be remain mentally stable, I will never know.

I was fine, ya know. Not great by any means, but ok. It all went to shit last week. I met someone who seemed cool. We instantly hit it off, which doesn't happen to me because I'm fuckin' mental. We exchanged numbers with the intention of hanging out later. I haven't made a friend that wasn't already a friend's friend since high school, so good deal, right? Fuck no. Anxiety decides to rear its ugly head, and now my life is pain. I attempted texting, something I never really do. Nothing. Wait a few days, try again. Nothing. My balls are in a vice now, bile is filling my gut, and the disgusting self-hatred returns.

There is no reason for this. It shouldn't be this way. People deal with this shit all the time. Here I am, like a fucking five year old trying to make friends in kindergarten and failing. The thing is, they could be busy(though they mentioned being alone for christmas). They could be fucking dead for all I know. It doesn't have to be that they realized I'm a worthless piece of shit and not worth their time. But that's where I go. It's my home. It's where I've lived for far too fucking long. And it's where I will stay, for there is nothing in this world that can convince me otherwise. The comfort of companionship is fleeting. The torment of loathing oneself will always be there, waiting.

Merry fucking christmas.

[Dream]

Real life friends are overrated (from the person incapable of making real life friends, so I might be biased) and I'm betting you won't find anyone here that doesn't think pretty highly of you.

Our brains tend to be assholes, especially when it comes to assessing our own value.

I've been trying to focus on what people actually say to me rather than how my head interprets it, which is almost always in the vein of "They are lying to you because they know you won't handle the truth well." Whether that thought is true or not doesn't really matter. I've gotten pretty good at using thoughts of self-loathing and harm to fuel writing. All I can do to quiet that inner voice is stop giving a shit and exist as I am, take it or leave it.

I don't think there are many people here that I wouldn't feel honored to know and call a friend in real life and often refer to you guys as such to cover up the fact that I haven't had real life friends since high school. Though, even then my friendships were largely one sided and felt obligatory from their side of things. (Small school full of hick Christians weren't exactly all that welcoming of the big city witch-esque transfer except in private when they needed my help.)

I know it's easier said than done, but I hope you can make peace with yourself even, and maybe especially, if your brain is being a jerk and pushing half-truths and all out lies in order to hold you in a place that is familiar and comfortable for it. One thing I've learned over the past few years is that my brain thrives in chaos. It's comfortable there even if I'm not, so I've stopped fighting and trying to reign in the random thoughts and anxiety inducing put downs. Instead, I let it do its thing then just do what I do with real people around me - roll my eyes and continue the task in front of me. It's probably insane to think of my brain as a separate entity from myself, but it's allowed me some space to separate destructive thoughts from productive actions. I can let my brain go through a murderous rampage while I also restock the supply closet or do my laundry. It used to be that the murderous rampage thoughts took all of the effort and I just couldn't do anything else without absolutely forcing myself to, now they are more like a movie playing in the background while I work. Still annoying, but not front and center of everything.

Oh, and another thing I've learned recently- we don't have to like ourselves to exist. I figure I'm just going through the motions until I find a genuine purpose for me in life and I've come to accept that I may never make the impact that I feel I should have made in order to deserve a space in the world. It feels much more genuine to accept that my significance is arbitrary in the grand scheme of things, but I still have the option to try and make things better for people if I can.

[Reign in Blood]

I'd hangout with you, Slaughter. *blows kiss*

[showa58taro]

Fair to say you’re the coolest of friends in my unit. Nobody else has that awesome deep voice, epic taste in music and films, and has been a true friend over the years. sorry the person isn’t responding, hopefully just one of those things that explains itself out. Big hug to you buddy.

[Slaughterhouserock]

Real life friends are overrated (from the person incapable of making real life friends, so I might be biased) and I'm betting you won't find anyone here that doesn't think pretty highly of you.

Our brains tend to be assholes, especially when it comes to assessing our own value.

I've been trying to focus on what people actually say to me rather than how my head interprets it, which is almost always in the vein of "They are lying to you because they know you won't handle the truth well." Whether that thought is true or not doesn't really matter. I've gotten pretty good at using thoughts of self-loathing and harm to fuel writing. All I can do to quiet that inner voice is stop giving a shit and exist as I am, take it or leave it.

I don't think there are many people here that I wouldn't feel honored to know and call a friend in real life and often refer to you guys as such to cover up the fact that I haven't had real life friends since high school. Though, even then my friendships were largely one sided and felt obligatory from their side of things. (Small school full of hick Christians weren't exactly all that welcoming of the big city witch-esque transfer except in private when they needed my help.)

I know it's easier said than done, but I hope you can make peace with yourself even, and maybe especially, if your brain is being a jerk and pushing half-truths and all out lies in order to hold you in a place that is familiar and comfortable for it. One thing I've learned over the past few years is that my brain thrives in chaos. It's comfortable there even if I'm not, so I've stopped fighting and trying to reign in the random thoughts and anxiety inducing put downs. Instead, I let it do its thing then just do what I do with real people around me - roll my eyes and continue the task in front of me. It's probably insane to think of my brain as a separate entity from myself, but it's allowed me some space to separate destructive thoughts from productive actions. I can let my brain go through a murderous rampage while I also restock the supply closet or do my laundry. It used to be that the murderous rampage thoughts took all of the effort and I just couldn't do anything else without absolutely forcing myself to, now they are more like a movie playing in the background while I work. Still annoying, but not front and center of everything.

Oh, and another thing I've learned recently- we don't have to like ourselves to exist. I figure I'm just going through the motions until I find a genuine purpose for me in life and I've come to accept that I may never make the impact that I feel I should have made in order to deserve a space in the world. It feels much more genuine to accept that my significance is arbitrary in the grand scheme of things, but I still have the option to try and make things better for people if I can.

The thing is, I'm ok with being a worthless piece of shit. I don't know anything else. I just don't think about it, because I've been stuck in monotony for years. If nothing changes, my mental state stays the same. But introduce an outside stimulus and it's fucking chaos until a new state of perpetuity forms. Work is easy, because I'm not me when I work. I put on a persona to satisfy the demands of the job. Online is easy, because I can come and go as I please, share only the bits that seem important, leave out the truly insane shit. Real life, though, just isn't something I can handle.

I am glad you have found ways to cope with your own issues. The only thing that works for me is stagnation, monotony, repetition. I'm just fucking sick of it. And while I generally don't give a fuck about anything, the thought of anyone I know having problems of any kind is dreadful. The reason I don't give a fuck about everything, is because all my fucks are given to those few I consider friends. I wish nothing but the best for anyone I know. So when a new person comes along, the assumption is that they will be added to that equation. The period of adjustment is fucking hell for me, though. And it's looking like I'm going through all this shit for nothing, due to the lack of response, which makes it even worse. That's essentially what my rambling was about. I'm a mess, always have been, that's just how it is. But pointless stress and anxiety brings with it anger and frustration. That's when things get bad.

[Slaughterhouserock]

I'd hangout with you, Slaughter. *blows kiss*

Fair to say you’re the coolest of friends in my unit. Nobody else has that awesome deep voice, epic taste in music and films, and has been a true friend over the years. sorry the person isn’t responding, hopefully just one of those things that explains itself out. Big hug to you buddy.

I'm not looking for support or anything, sometimes I just need to vent, but thanks.

[Reign in Blood]

I'd hangout with you, Slaughter. *blows kiss*

Fair to say you’re the coolest of friends in my unit. Nobody else has that awesome deep voice, epic taste in music and films, and has been a true friend over the years. sorry the person isn’t responding, hopefully just one of those things that explains itself out. Big hug to you buddy.

I'm not looking for support or anything, sometimes I just need to vent, but thanks.

Why? You're obviously venting, but why not have a good support system? Likewise with companionship, I think that's needed.

[zombie]

anxiety sucks. self loathing sucks. being in your own head all the time sucks. but you do have friends, even if not in person friends. it's okay to lean on us a little bit, and share things even when you feel like it's too much or uncomfortable or something. (unless one of us has proven otherwise, but that still goes for the others) a lot of us go through pretty similar things that you're going through. and like reign said, it's good to have a support system, even when you're brain is telling you otherwise. especially when.

[Slaughterhouserock]

Why? You're obviously venting, but why not have a good support system? Likewise with companionship, I think that's needed.

anxiety sucks. self loathing sucks. being in your own head all the time sucks. but you do have friends, even if not in person friends. it's okay to lean on us a little bit, and share things even when you feel like it's too much or uncomfortable or something. (unless one of us has proven otherwise, but that still goes for the others) a lot of us go through pretty similar things that you're going through. and like reign said, it's good to have a support system, even when you're brain is telling you otherwise. especially when.

I say that because venting, to me, means me just unloading with no intention of discourse. The act of putting it out there is generally enough to start myself getting past whatever it is. That's not to say I don't appreciate the support, just that it was not my goal in writing this. Probably makes me sound like a robot or something, but enh, that's how it goes.