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I'm quite certain I've had depression for at least the last 2-3 years. I've mentioned it a few times throughout my posts over these years, maybe some of you will recall. The last two months or so have really been especially difficult. My life has mainly been work, and when I'm not at work, I'm thinking about work. I'm pretty sure this has contributed to the depression, but it existed before that. Work is mellowing down now... And to be clear, when I say "depression", I define it as just being numb to most things. I'm less intrigued with music, I haven't felt the highs and lows of life, it's just been medium... I'm alive... That's all I feel *knock on wood... no tragedies, please*. Lately, as work hours have returned to normal, I've felt myself returning to normal a bit. I think the odd hours and lack of sleep the last few months really did a number on my head for a while. I'm enjoying things slightly more, but it was never a root cause of the depression, it's only worsened it a bit... But what does it say about me (or about a drug/alcohol) when I have a couple of drinks, or take an occasional painkiller (on a night where I know I don't have to work in the morning), and seemingly return to a non-depression state of mind? I feel myself getting wiser through the years, but as I get wiser, I become more numb to life. I had a really short day today, had a couple of beers, and now all of a sudden I've forgotten about work and am thinking about a girl I'm digging and enjoying music kind of like I normally used to. Why can't I achieve this state of mind without having to ingest alcohol or take a painkiller?

I just don't know the answer to overcoming this, or if there even is one. All I know for certain at this moment is that alcohol and the occasional painkiller have been the ultimate cure, at this point. Albeit, temporarily. I'm not sure what's wrong, or if there even is anything wrong. The only thing I know is constant emotional purgatory, and that alcohol once a week, and painkillers once every blue moon, help me to think clearer for a bit and return to normal for a night.

I have not and will not exceed the limit of alcohol/painkillers that can do any long term damage to my body. I want to make that a sort of disclaimer to this post. I've used it recreationally to clear my fucking head for a night or two.

I don't know anything that works.

I've been depressed on and off for years, more recently it's been on. Not watching movies, not listening to music, not playing games - all things I generally enjoy, but I have to sort of force myself into it before really feeling like I want to, if that makes sense.

Even before work, which is a normal 40 hours a week, I was depressed, and I don't much think work have either decreased or increased my levels of depression, which have been moderately stable for the most part. I don't drink much (because when I do, I go overboard), but if I had access to weed, I won't lie, I'd be stoned every other day while at home. I don't personally see it as a crutch, but I know that's not the point.

The point is, I don't know what I need to find in my life to be happy. I don't know if it's a change in my living situation, if it's a need for more people to talk to, if it's a need to socialize more, or if it's something else entirely, like some anti-depressants. I don't know what I need, and have no answers, but I hope that you can find something before too long, and I wish you luck.

Would love to see Foo step in here with his tough love spiel.

Sadly I don’t know that I have anything like this and I can’t really help in that regard, but I hope you feel better and find a working solution for you. Big hug.

i don't know how to help. but i want to, and have tried in the past. but if pills and alcohol works for you, if even temporarily, and it's not causing damage elsewhere. awesome.

you did mention that you knew what the root cause wasn't, which seems to indicate that you know what the cause is? you've been dodgy about it in the past, or maybe you just now are more aware of it... but knowing that may help to figure out some way to come to a solution or to find a cure for you.

Nah, I still don't know what the cause is.

but you know for certain that isn't work related at all?

Depression is usually a myriad of factors including genetics, environment, stress, diet and all sorts. There’s a lot of research on diet and nutrition as a source for some of it, but I’m not familiar enough with it.

zombie wrote:but you know for certain that isn't work related at all?

Work has made it worse, it existed years before my current job.