September 8th 2018

[Reign in Blood]

At the bar for the fight, sipping on my second glass of Coke.

Where's mine being Seb fucked right off with my next glass of coke!

Should I buy a shot-o-sumthin?

Whiskey and coke, down the hatch! The fuck, you like you don't know me or summat

Alright. I'll order a shot of old Jackie Boy on the side of me Coke. Will shoot it at 7PM sharp.

7:15!

[zombie]

and you can't make me hate you.

[Jason]

At the bar for the fight, sipping on my second glass of Coke.

Where's mine being Seb fucked right off with my next glass of coke!

Should I buy a shot-o-sumthin?

Whiskey and coke, down the hatch! The fuck, you like you don't know me or summat

Alright. I'll order a shot of old Jackie Boy on the side of me Coke. Will shoot it at 7PM sharp.

7:15!

FFS.

I'll just shoo away the flies for the next 20 minutes.

Someone just crop dusted the fuck out of me...

[Reign in Blood]

Fuck it, pound away!

[Reign in Blood]

Here we go, down the hatch!

[Reign in Blood]

It goes so smooth down the gullet

[Jason]

Lucky I checked.

So yum.

[Jason]

2X crop dust.

Somebody finna get punched in the mouff.

[Jason]

The mexican dude in Dodgers gear at the round table next to me keeps standing up off his stool and sticking his ass on his girl. Just did it again, and I got a crop dust 3X.

California...

[Tiggnutz]

The mexican dude in Dodgers gear at the round table next to me keeps standing up off his stool and sticking his ass on his girl. Just did it again, and I got a crop dust 3X.

California...

Mexicans shittin on each other

[Dream]

My take on depression: Unless you wake up feeling like everything you've done in life has been pointless and a waste of time more than half the time and over a period longer than six months, you probably do not have clinical depression.

My take on willpower: It was beaten, ridiculed, and scared out of some people.

My take on drugs: Go for it, I don't really care how you enjoy your free time as long as you aren't hurting anyone but yourself. Hell, if you enjoy being spanked with a spiked paddle while having your oxygen cut off, enjoy, who the hell am I to tell you that's immoral or depraved? (On the other hand, if you enjoy spanking unwilling partners with a spiked paddle, get help, you're hurting people and you're scum.)

A lot of people suffer temporary depression due to a circumstance they find themselves in, an acute type of depression, it comes and goes as circumstances change but isn't constant, seasonal or brought on by a recurring situation, it can last a week, a month, or even a few years but it does eventually get better with little to no professional involvement. This is normal. What isn't normal is clinical depression (more than half the time for a period of longer than 6 months continuous, will not improve on its own, but can stay at a constant level with enough effort), even when circumstances improve and the average person would be thrilled with their upswing in status, the depressed person will see the next hurdle and not the achievement. They will see it as "well, I'm not *here* yet so I'm still worthless trash and am nothing until I get *there*, but by the time you get there you see the next step on the ladder as the next goal and still aren't good enough.

Being depressed doesn't mean a lack of drive to better yourself, it's usually a case of: bettering yourself means harder and harder goals that diminish in value the closer you get to them, achieve them and they no longer mean a thing to you. Some people get to a point where they know they could achieve more if they tried harder, but what's the point? They know as soon as they get there their brain will tease them with an even better goal and do nothing but put them down on their path to that goal. Why try when you know you're stuck in a never-ending cycle of not-good-enough and will-never-be-good-enough.

In my case, therapy and medication have helped. I'm better able to separate myself from the shitty stuff I experienced in life now. Y'all know I've been doing this therapy thing a long time and for the first time, I felt like it made an impact a few weekends ago. A friend from high school came up to visit me. I had to go to Logan airport to pick her up.

I was ecstatic over taking a fucking subway on my own for the first time ever, of driving into Boston on my own for the first time ever, of going on a boat for the first time ever (and being by myself, no one to hold my hand and encourage me, no one to lean on and make me feel less vulnerable). It's such a mundane thing to be proud of, but for me, it was a huge hurdle that I pushed past and did amazingly at. No panic attack, I didn't get lost, I wasn't late, I didn't throw up, I didn't feel out of place and I wasn't terrified of the people around me. I've *never* felt that before while in public.

The one thing that stuck with me though was "If my mom finds out I did this on my own she will freak out and bring the whole thing crashing down for me," so I pretty much threatened and begged my relatives to not tell her. I'm still afraid to tell her about it because I'm afraid she will kill the sense of accomplishment I had for it and that sense of accomplishment was the first time I ever had a feeling of "I am a capable person" stick around for more than a few minutes.

Even the sense of accomplishment I had over writing four full-fucking length novels died as soon as I told my mom about it and she basically said it didn't matter unless I got it published because I won't make any money off of it and it was just a waste of time otherwise. So I haven't really worked on any of them in almost a year because "Why fucking waste my time on something that's not good enough to get published. I wrote it, so I know it's not good enough and it's stupid to think otherwise."

Sometimes depression has been such a huge part of our upbringing that it's almost impossible to escape once we become aware of the problem. I get now, that the voice that's been telling me I wasn't good enough no matter how well I did wasn't my voice, it was my mom's. But just because I can see that more clearly now, doesn't mean I can do anything about it. I've just committed to not telling her about any future accomplishments I make because I want to fucking enjoy them. Even getting a poem published and a story in a video game wasn't a real accomplishment to her because I wasn't getting paid for them. *shrug* some people thrive on keeping others feeling as though they are beneath them and worthless they need people to be dependent on them or they feel useless themselves.

But that's just been my experience with depression. It tends to affect people in different ways.

[Jason]

The mexican dude in Dodgers gear at the round table next to me keeps standing up off his stool and sticking his ass on his girl. Just did it again, and I got a crop dust 3X.

California...

Mexicans shittin on each other

He checked his phone and went "PHOCK!"

I'm guessing it's because my Rocks whooped on his Doyers.

[zombie]

the way that depression generally manifests for me: i just feel like less than anyone i'm around. like i don't fit in. and if i manage to get something i want, i feel like i don't deserve it and it will just go away in time, for one reason or another. i also want to have reassurance all the time, about how people feel about me and my actions. but i worry that it's not genuine when they tell me. it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable because of self loathing and not being able to understand why someone else could feel differently. so yeah, i generally feel like it's better to keep it to myself, so i don't turn people off or turn them away. and i'm not looking for pity or sympathy, just thought i'd share since a few of you asked about it today.

[Dream]

the way that depression generally manifests for me: i just feel like less than anyone i'm around. like i don't fit in. and if i manage to get something i want, i feel like i don't deserve it and it will just go away in time, for one reason or another. i also want to have reassurance all the time, about how people feel about me and my actions. but i worry that it's not genuine when they tell me. it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable because of self loathing and not being able to understand why someone else could feel differently. so yeah, i generally feel like it's better to keep it to myself, so i don't turn people off or turn them away. and i'm not looking for pity or sympathy, just thought i'd share since a few of you asked about it today.

Insecurity is common with depression. You're a better person than you give yourself credit for. We're all flawed in some way or another and we're all inferior and/or superior to one another in different ways. You're the most reliable and understanding person I know.

[showa58taro]

I’m with dream, Z, you’re better than you realize or give yourself credit for. But I’m sorry you don’t feel it.